Rant: Why I am not a Rent boy.

So Rent has finally closed it's doors after what seems like a century.

Praise Jesus!

It's practically impossible to go through a karaoke night without hearing somebody sing something from Rent. Last night it was "Another Day." Last week it was "Out Tonight." The week before that it was "Seasons of Love." For the sake of fluidity, I won't even mention the three songs from Wicked I was subjected to, or the flabby queen that sang "Everything's Coming Up Roses."

Christ. I hate Rent.

Ok, maybe hate is too strong a word. I don't hate Rent, I just really don't get what the big deal is. It's a gay musical. So what? ALL musicals are gay. Why is this one so special?

Let me tell you about my first Rent experience. When the movie came out on DVD I decided to buy it. I figured hey, it's a staple gay musical, I'm sure I'll love it. I sat down with my boyfriend, my best friend and his boyfriend to watch it. We turned it off a little over half way through and decided to go to a house party instead. That DVD is now a doorstop.

Yes, yes, I know. I committed the horrible sin of watching the movie rather than seeing the stage production. I'm sure you'll try to convince me that it's SO much better on stage. I don't buy it. I have a considerable amount of imagination and I've tried to redeem Rent in my own eyes a great many times. I've listened to both the original broadway cast recording and the film soundtrack countless times (I'm listening to them right now actually). I've even watched several documentaries on the creation and development of the show. Believe me, I really want to be as die-hard about it as the rest of you are but I just can't, and I don't believe seeing it on stage will change that.

I know it was revolutionary and controversial, but that in itself doesn't make it good. The idea of adapting Puccini's La Boheme is interesting, but centering it around a bunch of East Village hippies with AIDS in the late 80's? It's just so fucking depressing. Why sit for three hours and watch people sing about how they're dying of a plague?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not averse to watching a story about the AIDS crisis. If you want to see something that's far more moving and does a much better job of encapsulating the experience of the gay community during that time then may I suggest Tony Kushner's Angels in America (which incidentally also won a Pulitzer and a Tony)? Kushner's original story is more thought provoking and has far more depth than Rent. Sorry, no musical numbers though.

Beyond that, Rent simply isn't all that entertaining. The characters are incessantly whiny and, with a few exceptions, the musical numbers are mediocre. Mark can't figure out what he wants to film. Roger can't write a song. Mimi's an emotionally fragile stripper. They can't afford their Rent. Aww. Poor babies! Y'know what? Neither can I, but you don't see me singing any songs about it, do you? There's character named Angel that dies and becomes a source of spiritual inspiration? How original. By the time "La Vie Boheme" ended I was hoping that the entire cast would choke on an AIDSburger.

Look, I liked "La Vie Boheme" and "One Song Glory." The recurring "No Day but Today" theme is lovely and moving (and, for those of you who are philosophically inclined, quite in keeping with the doctrine of eternal recurrence and amor fati, which I fully support). But please, "Out Tonight?" "Light My Candle?" "Over the Moon?" Absolutely not. Don't even get me started on "Seasons of Love." That song is catchy to be sure, but the concept behind it is absolutely ludicrous. I defy anyone to measure a year in terms of love. You could measure it in sex, that's for sure, but love? No sugar, you can't measure love. That's kind of the point of it.

It's OK to like Rent. It's even OK to love it, but lets all get a grip and stop treating it like it was a revelation. Stop chanting "no day but today" and "525,600 minutes" like they're some kind of mantras. Rent may be an important musical, but it's a mediocre one at best.

There's no wittier criticism I can give than that of a couple of my own heroes, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, so I'll leave you with that:


This city deserves a better class of homosexual