Rant: Cuddle Monsters

Okay, here's another rant that will likely make everyone hate me and agree that I, much like the Tin Man, have no heart. I'm telling you, by the time this blog turns a year old I'll have an angry mob with torches and pitchforks outside my building... or at least an angry mob with hairdryers and razor-sharp combs.

Anyway, here goes...

I hate the term "cuddle."

I hate it with a passion. I want it to disappear from our communal lexicon entirely. Every time someone says it I want to shove bamboo slivers under their fingernails.

Yeah. It's that bad.

Why? Because it relegates life to an episode of the fucking Care Bears. Whenever I hear it I look around in fear that someone's going to shoot hearts, rainbows or clouds at me from the pictures on their chests. I'm fairly certain that that's the only thing that can hurt me. People who use this word on a regular basis also use disgusting terms of endearment like "schmoofy" or "muffin" and other such assorted drivel. You know the kind of people I'm talking about; they're the ones that think baby talk is acceptable in public ("I wub you berry berry much!").

A portrait of the author?

It's just so... gooey, and... mushy, and... lovey-dovey.

Blech.

"Let's cuddle! I wanna cuddle! Don't you just love to cuddle?!"

No. Actually, I'd rather get shot right between the eyes at point blank range than listen to your inane cuddle rant. Here, give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

Okay, let me explain. I don't hate the actions involved with this so-called "cuddling," I just hate the word. It conjures up images of the sappiest, lamest, most obnoxiously nice people I've ever known. Here's a short anecdote. During college I started going out with this guy that was pretty smoking hot. He was tall, dark and Italian, worked out every damn day, had that whole lean-but-muscular, swimmer's build going on. Oh, and for some reason he was into me (go figure). Here's the problem: all he ever wanted to do was cuddle. Cuddle, cuddle, cuddle. After four weeks of dating, we hadn't had any form of sex. Just cuddling. This wasn't just regular cuddling either; this was like, marathon cuddling.

All.

Fucking.

Night.

Let's just say my stint with Tall, Dark and Italian didn't last very long or end very well.

"Cuddling" is a demonstration of affection between two individuals; it's one of those "tender-moment" things. In order for it to make any sense there must be some form of connection or relationship between the two individuals involved. If there's nothing there then it's just... odd. I had just met Tall, Dark and Italian and all he wanted to do was cuddle. We barely knew each other, why was he acting like we'd been dating for months?

What I mean to say is that "cuddling" should be natural, organic. It's not an activity that you propose to someone as if you were asking them to play a game of Scrabble. IT IS NOT A RECREATIONAL ACTIVITY! "Cuddling" is more intimate even than sex because it implies emotional involvement and leads to the development or evolution of such emotions. This is why it functions best as a post-coital activity or else in a bona fide relationship.

This brings me to my next point...

This has happened to all of you, I'm sure. Sometimes it's someone you know, other times it's a random, online guy; regardless, he'll say something along the lines of, "you should come over and cuddle with me!"

I call bullshit when I see it and this, my dear readers, is bullshit.

Look buddy, don't piss on me and tell me it's raining, ok? You want sex. I know it, you know it, your grandmother knows it. Let's just drop the act and lay it all out in the open. Stop trying to soften the blow and just tell me what it is you really want. Who knows? It might even increase your chances of getting it. See, what these jackasses are trying to do by using the cuddle manoever is to avoid being labeled a slut. Here's their rationale: they want you to come over and cuddle. Cuddling inevitably leads to sex. Then when it's over they can say something like (cue exaggerated tone of innocence and surprise), "wow, I really didn't expect that to happen! I just thought we were going to cuddle! I normally don't do stuff like that, I swear!" Yeah fucking right.

Every once in a while there's that one that actually does want to cuddle, and only cuddle. Here's what I have to say to him: pull yourself together, man. You're embarrassing us both. Look, I'm sorry that you don't have a boyfriend and that your parents obviously didn't show you enough affection when you were a child, but there's no need to take it out on the rest of us with your constant need to reaffirm your self-worth through light petting. If you seriously need something to show you constant love and devotion so that you don't have to confront your feelings of loneliness and self-doubt then you might want to consider investing in a cat... or maybe three or four cats. Telling me you want to cuddle when we don't even know each other is only going to make me question your mental stability.

No. Friends can not cuddle. There are some exceptions. If you have previously dated? then it's acceptable. If one party has feelings for the other party? It's... complicated, but acceptable. If you have one of those fucked up, seriously complicated, quasi-friendly, quasi-romantic relationships that seem to be so prevalent amongst our people in this day and age? Yeah, I guess it's acceptable, but you should probably reevaluate that whole situation.

My final plea: let's let our relationships evolve how they may and stop treating "cuddling" like it's some kind of pastime. Doing so commidifies what is, and should always be, a deeply personal moment between two people. So lets drop this odious word and just get on with our lives.

...But when it comes time to get down and cuddly, here are a few tips that you might find useful:


This city deserves a better class of homosexual.