Douchebags: Lonely Shirtless Clubbers

Who are these people? Where do they come from? Do they have jobs and families like the rest of us?I see them everywhere, trolling through the crowd in search of their prey. Sometimes I have to fight the urge to walk up to them and ask them what they're thinking, ask them why they're here and what their personal lives are like. Frankly, if anyone knows one of these offenders, I would absolutely love to interview him. Tell him to shoot me a line (no pun intended) at m.vrsvs@gmail.com

Do you think you're better off aloooooooone?

I've put a lot of thought into this, and I've broken down the Lonely Shirtless Club Douchebags into several categories.

The first two concern dance:

1) The terrible dancer. This is the guy who tends to come and stand in one spot for about twenty minutes before moving on to another location in the club. He eye-fucks everyone around him, hoping that someone will take the initiative and come dance with him. He is probably doing the side-to-side shuffle, perhaps bouncing a little too much on his knees, which gives the effect of a sort of bunny hop. This is coupled with that strange movement of the arms that resembles a kind of lopsided flapping of chicken wings. His dancing is both distracting and disorienting; many will stop and stare for a moment in disbelief. I make no pretense of being a prize dancer myself, but I like to flatter myself by thinking that I'm at least one step about this guy.

He is also shirtless, alone, and a douchebag.

2) The vogue guy. This one is probably standing on something, be it a box, stairs, a stage or what have you. He is trying to outdo the go-go boys with the ferocity of his arm movements while his legs remain stationary. Undoubtedly at least one of his arms is stretched way up into the air at all times, giving us an unwanted view of his arm pit. The other arm is probably convulsing and contorting into all sorts of rave-inspired shapes and movements. Either that or he's performing some sort of primitive mating dance. He wants everyone to see that, not only is he shirtless, but he can "dance" better than everyone else at the club. Keep trying buddy.

No one should do this, shirtless and alone or not, unless they are being paid to.

The second form of division concerns age and appearance:

1) The old guy. Actually, this guy may not even be that old, but he is at least nearing the end of his acceptable club-going days. He maybe be sagging and hairy, or he may be incredibly buff; regardless, he is inexplicably shirtless and alone. The old guy tends to sneak up on people and intimidate groups at a time. He can be either a terrible dancer or the vogue guy, but generally tends to belong to the former category rather than the latter. I admire the fact that this geezer is still out and about, but he still kind of frightens me. I'd be much more inclined to talk to him if he were wearing a designer suit and standing by the bar, offering to buy me a drink.

2) The young ugly guy. Again, I exaggerate; this guy may not be ugly, but he certainly has nothing worth showing off under that shirt of his. I applaud you for your self-confidence sir. I'm glad that you love your body. Oprah would be very proud of you... at least when she's adhering to her fat "you go girl" philosophy. I, however, am not the queen of daytime talk and I would much rather you put your clothes back on and went and found some friends. Please stop stalking through the club like a lion on the prowl because it's starting to make me uncomfortable.

3) The young cute guy. This guy fascinates me more than all the others. He perplexes me. There he is, standing nearby, looking around for a mating sign from someone. I look at him and say to myself, "hey, he's pretty cute, and he's got a nice body!" But then I realize that he's shirtless. And alone. And standing around being creepy. He's probably wearing Abercrombie jeans and flip-flops too. Beware, because guys like this tend to have a major case of Alexis Syndrome.

What a waste, no?

I mean, if I were to meet this guy, fully clothed and with a group of people, I might actually be interested in talking to him. Who knows, maybe he's a great guy! But as it stands right now I can't help but wonder, why doesn't he have at least one friend that would come to the club to be his wingman? How often does he come here and troll around like this? Why does he feel that he has to remove his clothing in order to impress anyone? Doesn't he have anything else to offer? Once all these questions have passed through my head I decide, "ehh...nevermind, he's not all that cute anyway," and I turn my attention back towards my friends.


Shirtlessness. Isn't that fad kind of over? Wasn't it more of a sort of 70's-80's thing? Why the need for the retro revival? We get it: you have a good body. We could already tell that from your too-tight, plunging v-neck shirt. Why not leave the little bit that's left to the imagination? After all, that's half the fun! If your shirt is already off then we won't get to enjoy stripping it off you later! It's tasteless, pointless, and comes across as desperate. Do you need to get laid tonight so badly that you'll just keep taking things off until you do? If so, why don't you just put your dignity in a box and hand it to me; maybe then I'll consider going home with you. Or maybe it's just that you're so devoid of charm and personality that your pecs are the only thing you have to offer the world? If so, I recommend you read a couple books, maybe go to a museum or a gallery or two; it might help you out a bit.

Now before you all get up in arms about that last bit, let me say that I'm only applying that criticism to the titular Lonely Shirtless Club Douchebags. If your with friends or your boyfriend or whatever, then take off whatever you want in good fun. I have no problem with that. This brings me to my next issue...

Why are you alone? Look, I'm sure that a lot of these people might be really great guys, but the fact that they're standing around alone instantly puts me on edge. There's a kind of predatory/lone wolf element to it that creeps me out and makes me instantly hesitant to talk to you. It's like I'm a gazelle that has stumbled onto your feeding grounds. You've all seen those National Geographic videos, so you know how badly it ends for the gazelle. Here's an example:



If instead you had approached me from a group of friends, I'd be more inclined to believe that you are in fact a social animal and perhaps even a real person. Look, it's fine to come to a club alone and it can really make it easier to meet people, if that's what you're going for, but I'd only recommend it if you have the charisma to pull it off.

In conclusion, I will summarize my basic theses here: Being shirtless can be OK, in certain circumstances, and so can coming to a club alone... but when you combine the two and throw in weird/bad dancing? A chemical reaction occurs that results in instant douchebaggery (unless you're a paid go-go). For those of you that are more mathematically minded, let me put it another way:

Shirtless + Alone + Bad Dancing - Getting Paid = Douchebag.

This city deserves a better class of homosexual.